High Hopes: A Phillies Blog

BY NICK COLANGELO for Phillie Phanatics

Just kidding. So we’ve seen more rainy days in the Delaware Valley over the past two weeks than we have victories. Now we know what it’s like to be a Mariners fan. Murphy’s Law has reared its ugly head, but as luck would have it, the NL East stinks, and The Fightins still amazingly remain atop the division. I heard someone on TV (okay, everyone on TV) say that the Phils are a second half team. I guess they are. I don’t know the stats off hand. I just know from September on they are like a crane kick to the dome – unstoppable.

Huge injuries to go along with an already used and abused bullpen and more strikeouts than Kent Tekulve at speed dating will get you a 1-9 homestand. We need to get healthy bad. Just as badly, we need the starters to find a way to put together an ERA that can at least be better than that of the Nationals, who by the way are the only team Citizens Bank Park has seen a series win over this season. I know that’s asking a lot and all, but things have to balance out at some point, don’t they? Bah. Who cares? I’m movin’ on. Tomorrow is a new day. Last I checked the Rays are still afraid of red, so there’s a sweep on deck. I said it.

However, if things say..,don’t turn around as quickly as we all expect them to, and we can’t bury this crap division we’re limping to the lead of, I have a few ideas/suggestions for ole Ruben and the gang.

In no particular order, here is a Top Ten list of things that I think will help the WFC’s get back to the championship stance we all have grown to love –

• Act like the exact change toll booth on the AC Expressway when it comes to any pending moves. NO PENNIES. No Brad Penny. No Penny Marshall. No Penny Lane. No JC Penney. No thank you.
• Until further notice, the at-bat music of Jimmy Rollins will now be Disco Duck by Rick Dees. In case you don’t already know.
• Before every start, Jamie Moyer must drink a potion of Viagara, Epsom salts and Sweet Vermouth. Trust me, I know Charlie Hough.
• Build a foul pole to the moon.
• Make Eric Bruntlett wear the hat with the ear flaps no matter how hot he says he is.
• Get Ryan Howard off of the Subway diet and resume the diet from his MVP year of 2006 – Crab Fries and Bud Light.
• Speaking of diets, somebody get Victorino some spam musubi asap.
• Speaking of Victorino, take away all of his Ed Hardy and Affliction t-shirts until he is hitting over .300. Actually, that rule will be enforced team wide effective immediately.
• Chan Ho Park has to shave his head and wear it as a rally beard.
• Carlos Ruiz must now give pitch signals with his glove hand.

And remember, if all else fails, start singing High Hopes, crane kick something and take a picture and thank your lucky stars you weren’t born a Mets fan. *

To read more of former Courier Post sports contributor Nick Colangelo’s work, visit his blog Crane Kick Chronicles.